i got my hair cut today. the "Cancer 101" manual (not to be confused with the "Chemotherapy and You" textbook) suggested getting "a cute short haircut" before beginning chemo, as a way of "taking charge of your cancer."
oh yeah, i'm in charge now.
my hair hasn't been this short since the tragic pixie-cut incident of 1966.
the woman who cut my hair this time worked hard to do a really nice job. i didn't have the heart to tell her it didn't matter. she told me to come back in six weeks so it would keep its shape. i gave her an extra big tip since i know that won't be happening.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
a very big deal
i want to apologize to all those women out there who have gone through this. i thought that because an early-stage breast cancer diagnosis is so common, and because the survival rate appears to be so good due to so many medical advances, and particularly for those women who didn't have to have a mastectomy or chemo, that somehow it wasn't all that big a deal. concerning, yes, absolutely, but they'll all be ok, right? i realize now, and i am shuddering with shame as i write this, that i must have thought it was a bump in the road.
i realize now that no matter how good the prognosis, it is a big deal. most women try so hard not to worry others and to be positive (unlike me) that it is easy to misread the situation. if you have a friend or relative or even aquaintance with breast cancer just know that--whatever she says--it is a very big deal.
i realize now that no matter how good the prognosis, it is a big deal. most women try so hard not to worry others and to be positive (unlike me) that it is easy to misread the situation. if you have a friend or relative or even aquaintance with breast cancer just know that--whatever she says--it is a very big deal.
Friday, October 30, 2009
what is essential to me
my oncologist told me that i will be really, really tired. that i will be able to do "whatever is essential to me"--but not much else. i loved how she put that; it is very poetic.
but then later i thought, oh this is one of those f%*&ing-learn-about-the-important-things-in-life cancer moments and i became thoroughly irritated. i don't want to have to make every moment count. i want to be able to blythely and carelessly squander time on non-essential things. i do not want to become a better person through cancer. i was perfectly happy with my flawed self.
but then later i thought, oh this is one of those f%*&ing-learn-about-the-important-things-in-life cancer moments and i became thoroughly irritated. i don't want to have to make every moment count. i want to be able to blythely and carelessly squander time on non-essential things. i do not want to become a better person through cancer. i was perfectly happy with my flawed self.
ceasefire
not much happening on the old cancer front right now... i like to think of it as a ceasefire.
i start chemo next thursday, after my cancer cells have been lulled into a false sense of security. i have to take a set of medication the day before, then have the chemo which takes a couple of hours, then go back the next day for a shot of something that is supposed to help my immune system.
apparently i will be in survival mode. the nurse told me that if i don't already floss everyday (um, no, i have sinned and have had to pay for my sins with a root canal so leave me alone) that i shouldn't start flossing now, and that if i lose my appetite i should just go for the calories--any calories. i'm thinking i'll keep a few boxes of brownie mix on hand. i can't imagine ever not wanting brownie batter.
i hope those last words don't look like ironic forshadowing later on.
i start chemo next thursday, after my cancer cells have been lulled into a false sense of security. i have to take a set of medication the day before, then have the chemo which takes a couple of hours, then go back the next day for a shot of something that is supposed to help my immune system.
apparently i will be in survival mode. the nurse told me that if i don't already floss everyday (um, no, i have sinned and have had to pay for my sins with a root canal so leave me alone) that i shouldn't start flossing now, and that if i lose my appetite i should just go for the calories--any calories. i'm thinking i'll keep a few boxes of brownie mix on hand. i can't imagine ever not wanting brownie batter.
i hope those last words don't look like ironic forshadowing later on.
Monday, October 26, 2009
avoid tanning beds
i went to chemo class today. i was disappointed--i thought it would be an actual class. but no, it was me, Chad, and the very nice nurse practitioner.
she did give me a textbook, though: "Chemotherapy and You." it has a handy little section called "Side Effects At-A-Glance." in addition to the common side effects, "fatigue, nausea, vomiting, decreased blood cell counts, hair loss, mouth sores, and pain," there are the less common ones such as "bleeding" and "memory loss." they also offer this helpful tip about hair loss: "Protect your scalp when you are outside, and avoid tanning beds." well, there goes my plan.
she did give me a textbook, though: "Chemotherapy and You." it has a handy little section called "Side Effects At-A-Glance." in addition to the common side effects, "fatigue, nausea, vomiting, decreased blood cell counts, hair loss, mouth sores, and pain," there are the less common ones such as "bleeding" and "memory loss." they also offer this helpful tip about hair loss: "Protect your scalp when you are outside, and avoid tanning beds." well, there goes my plan.
it's all about the numbers
the lifetime risk of a woman developing breast cancer is one out of nine. women diagnosed with early-stage breast cancer have a survival rate of 98%, overall. however, according to the supertest, women with my extra-special type of tumor have a "distant recurrance" rate of 20%. that means that their chance of developing metastasis is one out of five. chemo reduces that risk to 14% or one out of seven. having great medical care and no other major problems reduces it a little bit more.
chance of anyone dying from a shark attack: 1 in 300,000,000. no wonder we don't have shark attack awareness month.
chance of anyone dying from a shark attack: 1 in 300,000,000. no wonder we don't have shark attack awareness month.
squirrels and me
the problem with being really disorganized is that while you can do just beautifully most of the time, if one little thing goes wrong, like, say breast cancer, you are screwed.
i find myself relating to some of the squirrels i see out there now. not the fat planned-ahead-sitting-on-the-telephone-lines ones who probably have their acorn stashes alphabetized but the little procrastinators who didn't really believe winter was coming and are now frantically trying to get it together. i hear you, little friend.
i find myself relating to some of the squirrels i see out there now. not the fat planned-ahead-sitting-on-the-telephone-lines ones who probably have their acorn stashes alphabetized but the little procrastinators who didn't really believe winter was coming and are now frantically trying to get it together. i hear you, little friend.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
logical fallacy #1
logical fallacy: everyone i meet who has had breast cancer is fine; therefore, i will be fine.
error: you can't meet dead people.
error: you can't meet dead people.
Friday, October 23, 2009
they told me so
it's happened. i can't keep track of my doctors' appointments.
they told me this would happen in the Cancer 101 manual but i didn't listen. they even provided an organizer for me. but no. i assumed this wouldn't apply to me. that i would be able to keep shoving cards and scraps of paper into the bottom of my purse and remember everything. after all, how many doctors' appointments could i possibly have?
where did i put that organizer?
they told me this would happen in the Cancer 101 manual but i didn't listen. they even provided an organizer for me. but no. i assumed this wouldn't apply to me. that i would be able to keep shoving cards and scraps of paper into the bottom of my purse and remember everything. after all, how many doctors' appointments could i possibly have?
where did i put that organizer?
Thursday, October 22, 2009
no, thanks
i don't want to do this. i pass on the being brave, doing what you have to do thing.
i have chemo class on monday. i would prefer to skip that.
i am supposed to have a "mediport" put in. i would prefer to skip that too.
it's the size of four quarters stacked up and sits under your skin, just below your collarbone. doctors think it's a great advancement because it saves your veins and makes it really easy to hook you up to chemo and to take blood and whatever else that needs to go in or come out. i think it's the most depressing thing yet.
really, no, thanks.
i have chemo class on monday. i would prefer to skip that.
i am supposed to have a "mediport" put in. i would prefer to skip that too.
it's the size of four quarters stacked up and sits under your skin, just below your collarbone. doctors think it's a great advancement because it saves your veins and makes it really easy to hook you up to chemo and to take blood and whatever else that needs to go in or come out. i think it's the most depressing thing yet.
really, no, thanks.
what's all this about hats?
i ordered hats. they are actually kind of cute.
of course, i will need a whole new wardrobe to go with them. especially as i have lost eight pounds due to my special surprise-you-have-breast-cancer-plus-you-need-root-canal diet plan.
did i mention my oncologist thought upping my anti-depressants was a good idea?
of course, i will need a whole new wardrobe to go with them. especially as i have lost eight pounds due to my special surprise-you-have-breast-cancer-plus-you-need-root-canal diet plan.
did i mention my oncologist thought upping my anti-depressants was a good idea?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)