almost over

i play a game every day in radiation: i try to perfectly align myself on the table so i don't have to be adjusted. day before yesterday, i won. i was actually happy about this.

really? really this makes me happy? this is a problem. and then yesterday, chris (my new best friend) told me while i was lying there that i only have seven more treatments and i started to cry. i am confused. 

i am almost finished. and people are happy for me, which i appreciate. and i hate to disappoint them by not being as excited as they are for me. it's just... ok, so now what? there is no real finish line, there is no prize, i didn't accomplish anything tangible. all i did was do everything i was told to do in the hopes of improving my odds slightly.

i'll never know if it worked--after all, there was a 4 out of 5 chance that i didn't actually have any more cancer cells traveling throughout my body anyway. now there is a 6 out of 7 chance that they are all gone. and a 1 out of 7 chance that they are just waiting to found their next settlement, in my bones or in my lungs.

the long winter is over, at least for now. i am starting to get a little stronger, i am not depressed, i don't feel sick. i am grateful to all the people who helped me, and all the people who came before me. but i am unsettled...

i think i must have expected to find a meaning to all of this. and, well...