Monday, February 1, 2010

between me and despair

i was so sad saturday, the day i felt so sick. i watched television. the high cheap windows in the 70's california houses on househunters made me sad because you have to stand up to see out of them. it would be like sleeping in a jail. a story about an elephant and his best friend, a dog, made me sad because elephants live so much longer than dogs. how will he cope when his friend is gone? everything seemed very very sad.

i take a handful of pills these days. after my excursion to the emergency room, i had new pills. they are the prettiest pills i have ever seen: very small, little drops of amber, like jewels. while i was examining them through my reading glasses, i noticed something wedged in the drain of my bathroom sink. hmmm... it appeared to be a partially dissolved zoloft. ah ha, here, sitting in a little wet lump was two thirds of my antidepressant dose for friday night, slowly melting into our watershed. two thirds of the antidepressant i didn't take when i thought i had.

is everything really umbearably sad and i'm just pretending it isn't? was that little lump really the only thing between me and despair?  it might not seem as bad if it were the magical-looking amber pills... but this is just depressing.  

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