Wednesday, January 13, 2010

beyond whining

i don't know what to say to people who point out that i'm "halfway there." because it is true that i have finished three chemo treatments and i only have three to go. but the thing is, it's accumulative. my mother described it as a ball that has been dropped and bounces lower and lower after each bounce.

there's just no way to respond without seeming negative and ungrateful. but there is so much i need to do and want to do, and i can't. i am so f*&^ing tired already--and i have chemo tomorrow! i'm afraid that "doing what is essential" may come down to just breathing.

when my oncologist had asked what was essential to me, i had said our school. i had been able to come in for half-days or more during the second and third weeks after chemo, but this time i couldn't last at school for more than a couple of hours on most days, and have even missed a few days.

there is a lot i can do from home. but i miss being at school. i miss the kids. i miss our teachers. i miss norman and joseph, our pigs. i even miss shanna's little dog, who is as fiercely devoted to her as coal is to me--and doesn't even like me. and what i miss most right now is just hanging out, sitting on the floor in the hall, surrounded by this wonderful, warm, funny energy that is our school.

not only do i miss school, but i know i am dropping some balls and feel bad about breaking promises or disappointing people--even by not being positive. and i am dropping them despite the extra responsibilities our teachers have taken on to help (actually i feel bad about that too). i even felt bad this afternoon because i told norman and joseph that i would be back with treats, but then i didn't come back.

i don't think this is rational. about the pigs, at least. they are well-taken care of and they don't really know what i said.

this must be the depression phase.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Katherine, My name is Karin, and slowly but surely I have been making my way through every one of your posts! I thought I'd wait to write you once I finished, but unbeknownst to you, you've become a sort friend to me and I thought it was time to introduce myself! My friend Donna (Iona Drozda) shared your blog with me after your mom shared it with her. She was pretty sure it would resonate, and it truly has. I could probably have left a comment on every single one of your posts I've read thus far, as each has touched me in one way or another - either by making me laugh, tear up, or nod with knowing. I have just completed round 4 of chemo for breast cancer, with four more to go and will begin radiation in July.

    I am not a 'support group' kind of person either but finding a few voices out there, like yours, does help to sustain and encourage me. Your diagnosis, initially believing that radiation would be 'all' that was necessary, etc, reflect exactly my experience.

    As my eyes burn and blur easily, and my stomach churns, your blog format is perfect for me. These succinct short postings are like vitamins for my spirit, pain killers for my mind, and the amount of time I'd like for a friend to visit - a touchstone, but no more please. I admire the truth of your voice and am grateful to have been lead here.
    Thank you, Karin