i don't know what to say to people who point out that i'm "halfway there." because it is true that i have finished three chemo treatments and i only have three to go. but the thing is, it's accumulative. my mother described it as a ball that has been dropped and bounces lower and lower after each bounce.
there's just no way to respond without seeming negative and ungrateful. but there is so much i need to do and want to do, and i can't. i am so f*&^ing tired already--and i have chemo tomorrow! i'm afraid that "doing what is essential" may come down to just breathing.
when my oncologist had asked what was essential to me, i had said our school. i had been able to come in for half-days or more during the second and third weeks after chemo, but this time i couldn't last at school for more than a couple of hours on most days, and have even missed a few days.
there is a lot i can do from home. but i miss being at school. i miss the kids. i miss our teachers. i miss norman and joseph, our pigs. i even miss shanna's little dog, who is as fiercely devoted to her as coal is to me--and doesn't even like me. and what i miss most right now is just hanging out, sitting on the floor in the hall, surrounded by this wonderful, warm, funny energy that is our school.
not only do i miss school, but i know i am dropping some balls and feel bad about breaking promises or disappointing people--even by not being positive. and i am dropping them despite the extra responsibilities our teachers have taken on to help (actually i feel bad about that too). i even felt bad this afternoon because i told norman and joseph that i would be back with treats, but then i didn't come back.
i don't think this is rational. about the pigs, at least. they are well-taken care of and they don't really know what i said.
this must be the depression phase.